Breast Cancer Diagnosis Jolts Husbands: When women are diagnosed with breast cancer, the men in their lives are deeply affected as well and often experience a wide range of emotions.<\/p>\n
Jay Morris stood by his wife, helping her through her battle with breast cancer every step of the way. Without minimizing how tough it was for her, he said the journey was at times horrendous for him as well.<\/p>\n
Jay and Kristina Morris were engaged in 2002 when Kristina got the awful news that she had an aggressive form of breast cancer. Kristina wondered if Jay may want to part ways, but Jay wouldn\u2019t think of letting her go.<\/p>\n
The Whitman couple decided to get married earlier than originally planned. Shortly afterward, Kristina went through a mastectomy and grueling chemotherapy treatments, with her husband helping her through it all. Jay Morris said the experience took a lot out of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was by far the worst thing I ever went through. I wasn\u2019t the one who had cancer,\u201d Jay Morris, 39, said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI would watch them put poison in her body to kill the cancer cells. And, I would physically watch the life get sucked out of her. She would turn pale, and by the time she left there, she was unable to walk. Then she\u2019d be in bed for a week, vomiting, dealing with thrush, these terrible blisters in her mouth. There were multiple trips to the hospital. You feel so helpless watching someone you love battling this God-forsaken thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Many husbands experience fear and worry for the future, anger about why the couple is dealing with cancer. Also, a sense of helplessness in not being able to single-handedly control or fix the illness. And, all of that is often mixed with the feeling that they need to be constantly positive and supportive for their ailing wives.<\/p>\n
What can make it even harder for men is that they may keep their emotions to themselves, shrugging off counseling or even feeling reluctant to have a heart-to-heart with a close friend.<\/p>\n
\u201cMen are less likely to seek (emotional) support than women,\u201d said Patricia Kartiganer, a licensed clinical social worker at Dana-Farber\/Brigham and Women\u2019s Cancer Center who counsels patients, couples and other family members dealing with breast cancer. \u201cIt\u2019s harder for men to let their hair down and talk to somebody about how they\u2019re feeling. That\u2019s not what they\u2019re socialized to do. Women are more used to sharing in that way.\u201d<\/p>\n
Men often feel they have to be the strong ones, so they keep their chins up. Wives sometimes misinterpret that tough exterior, Kartiganer said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe husbands may not be crying about this, and I\u2019ll have women say to me, \u2018I\u2019m worried about him because he doesn\u2019t get it. This cancer could do me in, and he\u2019s not prepared.\u2019 But all he\u2019s trying to do is be the strong guy,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
When Kartiganer meets with couples, she helps them get out of the practice of protecting each other and instead work on getting real with how they feel.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe patient is protecting the husband and the husband is protecting the patient, and they\u2019re both protecting the children,\u201d she said. \u201cBut they need to communicate.\u201d<\/p>\n
Couples dealing with breast cancer often struggle with intimacy issues, Kartiganer said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWomen who have undergone a lumpectomy or masectomy or hair loss aren\u2019t feeling very sexy,\u201d she said. \u201cAnd men who have their own needs for attention and intimacy can feel guilty about their own needs. Intimacy can be put on the back burner temporarily. I talk to couples about other ways of being intimate, like holding hands and having designated couple time.\u201d<\/p>\n
It can be an emotionally charged and difficult time for a marriage, but many couples come through it stronger, Kartiganer said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis can be a real challenge for a marriage,\u201d she said. \u201cIf a marriage is good to begin with, it usually stays good and can often get even better. If there are problems in the marriage, the couple might see a short-term gain (after diagnosis). But then things go back to the way they were but worse because this ends up being an added stressor.\u201d<\/p>\n
After Kristina Morris was told she was cancer-free, the couple went on to adopt a son. Kristina later gave birth to two daughters, and shortly after their third child was born, Kristina was diagnosed with breast cancer again in 2008. This time, Jay Morris was floored.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was beyond devastated,\u201d said Morris, whose children are 6, 2 and 1. \u201cAlso, I couldn\u2019t talk to anyone about it without breaking down. I was thinking selfishly because, at this point, it\u2019s a whole different world when there\u2019s three kids involved. I was a disaster and she was tough, hugging me and saying we\u2019ll get through this again. And, I would go to work and start thinking, \u2018What would I do for day care?\u2019 I would have to pull over and force myself to redirect my thoughts because I was about to go insane. I worked myself up into a state.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jay Morris did discuss his deepest fears with friends, but not his wife. If Kristina started a \u201cwhat if\u201d conversation about the worst-case scenario, he would change the subject.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t want to talk to her about that,\u201d he said. \u201cShe had enough on her plate. I don\u2019t want to dwell on that with her.\u201d<\/p>\n
He found perhaps the best way of helping both of them was by making light of a dark situation, cracking jokes that he hoped would put a smile on his wife\u2019s face at a time when all she could see was fear.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many times can you say, \u2018Listen, it\u2019s going to be OK\u2019? And besides, it\u2019s hard to say that because you don\u2019t know if that\u2019s true,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
When Kristina was dealing with options for reconstructing her breast, Jay said he could care less if a nipple was included. He joked that they could \u201csave a lot of money if they just put a pepperoni on there.\u201d He would jokingly tell her, \u201cDon\u2019t get too close to me. I don\u2019t want to catch your cancer.\u201d And when she called him after finding out she had congestive heart failure on top of everything else \u2013 possibly as a side effect of cancer treatments \u2013 Jay came out with, \u201cThe only side effect you haven\u2019t had is an erection lasting longer than four hours.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll you can do is laugh about it because otherwise you\u2019d be on top of the Golden Gate Bridge,\u201d he said. \u201cIt helped to still be us through this. This cancer didn\u2019t have to take us.\u201d<\/p>\n
Indeed, Kristina said Jay\u2019s medicine has worked well for her. She said her husband always seems to know what she needs. \u201cIf I want to sob, he will console me. Or he\u2019ll see the look in my eyes and pat my hand. But then five minutes later, he\u2019s saying something really stupid to make me laugh,\u201d said Kristina, 36, whose examinations show no evidence of cancer in her body today. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t talk about his fears with me. Sometimes I wish he would, but that might make me more fearful, and I think he knows I\u2019m fearful enough for the both of us. We\u2019ve been through hell and back, but we\u2019ve done it side by side. There\u2019s no way I would have survived without him.\u201d<\/p>\n
When Kelley Tuthill, a Hingham native and reporter for WCVB-Channel 5, was diagnosed with breast cancer, she was afraid her husband Brendan Ward might \u201cfreak out.\u201d Instead, Ward felt incredibly calm and confident that his strong wife would beat the disease and that they could get through it together.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know where that came from,\u201d said Ward, 38, who lives in Wellesley with Tuthill and their two daughters, ages 5 and 3. \u201cIt just felt like this big challenge that we had to rise up and meet.\u201d<\/p>\n
The couple got the news on Dec. 22, 2006, and for a few days kept it to themselves.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy husband and I spent the weekend before Christmas crying, hugging and being scared together. It was just us,\u201d Tuthill, 39, said. \u201cWe didn\u2019t tell anyone else because we didn\u2019t want to ruin Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tuthill, whose examinations now show no evidence of cancer, is grateful for the way her husband \u201ckept it all together\u201d and also agreed to open their lives so she could share her journey on television. Yet Ward acknowledged that the year and a half of treatment certainly wasn\u2019t easy. There were so many doctors to deal with, and the health care system could be challenging, he said, but he felt it was important to keep his own frustration in check.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have multiple doctors and multiple treatment plans. It can be very complex and confusing. But you can\u2019t fly off the handle at the doctors,\u201d he said. \u201cYou have to be patient. You can\u2019t be the problem. Also, You have to be an advocate for your wife, make sure she\u2019s being taken care of and ask questions about things that seem confusing.\u201d<\/p>\n
At times he felt for the sake of both of them that it was best to \u201ctag out\u201d and let another family member, like Tuthill\u2019s mother, help make decisions. For instance, he didn\u2019t feel he needed to get in on decisions about his wife\u2019s breast reconstruction, which can be a sensitive subject for many women who may worry how their husbands will feel after they have had a mastectomy.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen it comes to breast reconstruction, there are a myriad of options and things to consider and it all comes down to personal style and taste,\u201d Ward said. \u201cI personally didn\u2019t care. I don\u2019t think any guy who loves his wife really cares. It would be a very shallow and insensitive thing to care about. I just wanted the cancer to be gone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ward said he didn\u2019t seek counseling but can see why some husbands could benefit from talking it out because the long emotional haul can take its toll. \u201cFor a while you\u2019re working on this higher level of adrenaline. You just have to keep going and going and going. It sort of feels like this race,\u201d he said. \u201cAnd afterward, you are tired. I know that I got older from the whole process.\u201d<\/p>\n
Yet Ward said the experience did bring the couple closer.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis brought everything into focus for us,\u201d he said. \u201cWe had to work through it as a couple. You realize later what a major thing we went through. This is what we were talking about in church \u2013 for better or worse. Now that we\u2019re through it, we\u2019re more grateful for what we have.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Patriot Ledger<\/p>\n